James' diary note 0.5#

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I'm bored!

27.6 - 4 PM

I don't mind summer. The warmth and heat. In fact, I like it. It's nice to sit outside my room, on my balcony, enjoying the sun and sunny weather, helping my skin- or at least, I heard it is. It makes the organism happy. Makes the endorphins. I hope Kare's right about it. But I think he is, I do feel quite happy when being outside. It has that positive scent and freedom. I don't overdo it though, it can hurt my pale skin as well- gosh, I should really care about my skin more. Pores, sweating, grease of my lovely tissue, it's all so terrible in stages of puberty. Everything hurts, I'm constantly being sick- it's huge transformation that takes years! I hope I go through it well. Everyone only makes fun of me, my family, friends, even teachers at school. I wish I could put them back into their own pathetic teen stage. It has me thinking- how did my parents look? I've never seen any photos of them. Strange. Or they must keep it away, locked or something, I bet it's personal. But so is my-gosh-darn-self! I do not wish being called so lewdly. Sigh, there's so much on my mind t̶o̶d̶e̶y̶!~ today! (Stupid english.) I want to spend my time with Arya again- but she's so busy from all the sudden.. We used to spend the entire weekend together! Gods, I know she has her own life and problems too, but, still- I'm so addicted to her! I can't stop thinking about her. She's the only reason I wake up in the morning. Or else, I would never stop wandering this twisted area. It just feels like, everyone is gone? Everyone.. I feel so lonely. It's depressing and it makes me more and more anxious. My bones snap everytime I feel too sad, or too happy, or angry. They crack loudly! But, it fades away quickly after I stop it's strong passage by focusing with my uncomfortable swing. I wish it could be a sign of my... talent. But I doubt it. It was so many years since my father tried to teach me how to take my inner form, form of a beast that lurks within me. But it never worked out, and he leftm̶e̶ ̶(Gah!) with disappointment in me. I try! I try everyday! It doesn't seem to work. It just seems like there isn't any beast inside me. I don't have such talent, that my father seeks in me and teaches me. Even my own sister was able to awake her own transformation in young age. I'm just not able to. I feel so shaded by her glory.. but I still love her as my sister. I can not let my jealousy blind me. Hmmm... 4PM. I really want to go outside with Arya, or at least, hear her beutiful soothing voice! It makes me so sad, so sad! My poor poor anima! What do I do without her? I have so much free time- and I don't want to lose it by learning things I already know or playing viola! What do I do? What can I do? Should I visit her? No.. I can't. That would be rude. Aaah! The boredom and chaos are giving me huge anxiety! Can I eat honey? Or- can I do something else? Aaa! Where is Arya when I need her! If only I could just call her name and she'd appear! I need to tell her everything! I need to play her a song! I need to see her! I want to see her! Right now! Right here! F̶U̶C̶K̶!̶ ̶W̶H̶A̶T̶ ̶D̶O̶ ̶I̶ ̶D̶O̶ ̶N̶O̶W̶?̶!̶ ̶I̶ ̶R̶E̶A̶L̶L̶Y̶ ̶H̶A̶V̶E̶ ̶T̶H̶E̶ ̶N̶E̶E̶D̶!̶ ̶F̶U̶C̶K̶!̶ ̶ My pathetic diary, can't you at least drive my sadness away? Please, drive it away or I'll burn this goddamn place. Wait- now I've got an excellent idea! Why not see someone suffering! Their sadness can eat up mine! Their pain can consume mine! Yes! That is rather perfect, your majesty James! I'm going to call for my butlers to suit me up and prepare my own carriage. I'm going to have some fun without Arya~ ♫No one must read this though, or I'm in huge trouble! Pfff! My dark magic is to strong to break! ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄